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Article 419
Women in Bad
Marriages Given Unfair Religious Rulings
Question: When reading fatwas
(religious rulings) from various scholars in terms of marital discord,
it seems more often than not, that women are advised to remain patient
and do everything possible to calm down their husbands, even in the
worst of circumstances such as physical abuse, infidelity etc. It is
less common to see such advice given to men when they complain about
their wives. There seems to be a bit of a double standard, which
according to my knowledge, does not exist in Islam.
I would like to know why, for example, if a woman has a husband who is a
womanizer, drinker, gambler, abuser, why then should she try and stay in
this marriage? I know divorce should be a last option in every scenario,
but when a situation has been bad for a long time and the woman and her
children are suffering, why is it that everyone tells her to be patient
and forgive him? We are all tested by Allah, but the very reason divorce
is allowable in Islam, unlike in other religions, is that sometimes the
situation is just too far gone to be salvaged. Any thoughts? Signed
Umm Huda.
Answer by Amany
Aboul Fadl Farag.
[Dr. Farag is a lecturer of
English literature, in Cairo University. She has a Ph.D. in American
Literature 1997, M.A. in Translation 1989, B.A. in English Literature
1983 and Postgraduate diploma in Shari'a and Arabic Linguistics,
Cairo University 1999. She has translated many Islamic books into
English. She writes as a free-lance writer in many Islamic newspapers.
Dr. Amany Farag is a consultant to the International Islamic Committee,
for woman and child, affiliated with the International Islamic Council
for Da'wah and Relief. She is a wife and a mother of 4
children!]
Dear Umm Huda, Salam,
Thank you for your keenness to correct many of the cultural and
traditional concepts that are confused with the rules of Islamic law.
Strange enough, most of such concepts are related to the status of
women, especially with regard to their marital relationships.
Among the common ideas now amongst many Muslim communities are that
duties, such as housework and childcare, are for women only. This is
contrary to the way of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) who
used to help in the housework. For example, he used to mend his own
stockings. It is also wrongly claimed that the woman has all the
responsibility for the success of a marriage!
Consequently, all the blame is put on her for not being patient enough
if there is any split in the family or the marriage fails! This is, of
course, exactly what you described as a double standard and known not to
come from Islamic teachings. Contemplate the following verses of Qur'an
and you will realize that Allah, the Most Wise, has dealt with this
matter differently, as He makes the success of any married life the
responsibility of both men and women. He actually orders them both to
have patience and to try all possible means, before they decide to break
it up. In the following verse He addresses men only:
*{…Live with them (women) on a footing of kindness, if ye take a
dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings
about through it a great deal of good.}*
(An-Nisaa' 4:19)
This verse urges men to not only to keep their
wives, but also to live with them continually being kind to them, even
if they hated them, and to realize that what they (the men) may dislike
in them (their wives) may be a good thing which they themselves don’t
realize! The following verse is addressed this time to women:
*{If a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there
is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between
themselves.}*
(An-Nisaa' 4:128)
Again, the following verse is addressed to the
family or the society:
*{If ye fear a breach between them twain (the husband and wife),
appoint two arbiters, one from his family and the other from hers; if
they seek to set things alright, Allah will cause their
reconciliation.}*
(An-Nisaa' 4:35)
Thus if patience and reconsideration are needed to keep the family
united, they are needed from both parties. There is also a
responsibility of the community to give a hand in rescuing this bond
which Allah did not make easy to break.
The following is a funny story that shows that the responsibility of
keeping the marriage is the husbands' as well: a man came to the second
Caliph `Umar ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him)--whom
himself had a wife of his own--to complain about his nasty wife. He
waited at the Caliph's door to be allowed in. As he was waiting, he
heard the wife of `Umar shouting, while `Umar was silent in patience.
Hearing this, the man decided to leave with no complaint! In another
incident, `Umar advised another man who expressed a desire to divorce
his wife as he failed to love her saying, "Woe unto you! Is love the
only base for a home? Where is care and kindness?"
Not all fatwa givers have such a double standard - though some of
them do have. I personally know many women who are not God-fearing
enough and behave arrogantly and impolitely with their husbands and
in-laws. Then when their husbands go to seek advice, they get these
repeated answers: that we women always get on the other side; "be
patient", "give her another chance" or "try to tolerate for the sake of
the children"… and so on.
As for the second half of your question, which is about Muslim women
living in a marriage with husbands who do major sins, such as
fornication or any other sins of such magnitude, I think this needs a
fatwa from a scholar to say to what extent this situation is even
legally allowed in Islam! This conduct, on the part of the husband, may
even destroy the faith of his children and lead them to commit the same
serious breaches of Islamic law. This will spread moral chaos in the
family, in which case, keeping such a marriage going will not be in the
children's best interest. On the contrary, it may cause their complete
destruction.
In this way, the genius of Islam as a realistic policy of life appears.
Although it does not encourage breaking up marriages and asks married
couples to behave responsibly, for the good of the new generations and
the whole society, it does however, frankly admit that at some points
divorce becomes a must for the very same reason.
Islam doesn't deal with human psychology in terms of hard to attain
ideals that may make people’s lives a living hell. Islam recognizes the
fact that happiness and virtue are the ultimate ends which all humans
are striving to reach but accounts for their weaknesses.
I hope this answers your question, Umm Huda.
Courtesy: www.islamonline.net
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